What I live for

And the winner of the Elf a Shelf Look-a-Like Contest goes to…

ImageRemember those knobs on the back of TV sets? We’d reach around and dial that thing up, maxing out the color to eye-blasting range. That’s how everything feels right now. Vibrant to the point of circuit overload, then the longing for an emotional blackout. Going to the party last night was amazingly bright with Christmas ships on the water, my friend’s spectacular modern home and great people there. I so appreciated that. Plus, I got a bonus. I overheard someone say: “I just didn’t think she’d look that good!” So take that, Weird Cancer Guy. But I also kind of wish no one knew what was going on with me. Nothing rocks out a party like cancer.

Tonight, we got a tree nearby from Kruger’s. Usually we drive far away and chop one down ourselves. Glad we didn’t do that. I’m too beat to swing an ax. I didn’t even go down the street to pick one out. Instead, I passed out on the dog. The kids loved decorating the tree, especially after we jacked them up with sipping chocolate and fresh-baked cookies from our friends Sally and Maria. The sound of the laughing solidifies my resolve. But I wouldn’t say I’m brave. I’m freaking terrified of chemo. It makes me sick just thinking about the next round. And, even more cowardly thinking about how I’ll feel through Christmas. It’s not so much that you feel sick to your stomach all the time, it’s how the chemicals warp your mind. I know at the end of it, I’ll get to hear my whole family crack up because we do – all the time. Chemo separates me from belonging. I just hope I have the patience to know I’ll get to come back.



1- Maria made us ribs for dinner, and they were not dry Maria. Not dry!

2- My family is the best team I could ever have or be a part of.

3- Karen told me I fit in at school. Haven’t stopped thinking about that!

3 Replies to “What I live for”

  1. Hey Jacki,

    Hang in there! Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers (yes, it’s time to pull out all the stops, so even if you don’t go for that, it can’t hurt)… and those of many others too of course. Someday, you can look back on all of this and decide how to move forward using all of this crazy new experience and understanding you have.

    Big hug and love, Joy

    Joy Panos Stauber Stauber Design Studio Inc. 312 572 9309 http://stauberdesign.com

  2. Jacki, Larry told me about your diagnosis via email. I am so impressed with your blog and your reserve to do battle with Weird Cancer Guy. Please know that we are thinking about you and only wish good things to come after you get through this. Love, Julie and Scott.

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