What else you got, Weird Cancer Guy?

ImageNot that I really want to find out. But still, I’m wondering what’s next. Will my fingernails pop open like trunk lids? Will I become 55% more agitated and annoyed? Or, will actual appendages just fall off? How about we start with my gut? I’m worried when I get a double mastectomy that my gut will officially be the biggest part of my body. I’m thinking about writing: TAKE MY GUT, PLEASE across it with a Sharpie before surgery so maybe they’ll feel sorry for me and just take it. Anyway, Weird Cancer Guy, I’ve gotten the laundry done, work done and groceries. But even you can’t save me from: “Mom, where’s my jeans?” Coming to flatten you and be flattened tomorrow. 

THREE POSITIVES:

1- Lisa is so great at picking out cards – check out the one she got me for tomorrow. She also got me flowers and a big chocolate bar that I hid from the kids. Thanks, Lisa!

2- Michelle D called me. One of the things I’ve missed is what the kids call “Mom Talks.” That’s when I stand and talk to other moms as the kids roll their eyes like teenagers. I miss talking to Michelle.

3- Going in for the next-to-last round tomorrow. Already thinking about how I’m going to miss the people who work there and hope I never have to see them in that context again.

“I can’t feel anything.”

Today, we went to see the surgeon to check in on progress and talk about what kind of surgery. She was doing the exam and said she could no longer feel the tumor. WHAA? I took a turn – me either. If some dude was randomly walking down the hall, I would have gotten him to check it out, too. Damn straight the chemo is working. When we first started, the tumor was too big to even have surgery. So YEAH WEIRD CANCER GUY, TAKE THAT! 

Then, we talked plan. From the beginning, I’ve felt like a double mastectomy is the way to go. A lumpectomy is great, but this kind of cancer likes to rush back in. So Barbie boobs it is! I’m very excited about this in a lot of ways. One, I won’t be able to push a vacuum cleaner or cook for like six weeks. Obviously, I’ll have at least 33% perkier boobage. In the TMI department, they might be able to take tissue from my gut (Kick ass!) and salvage existing nipples. Just when I thought there were options, the doctor said you can page through a catalog and pick out the ones you want. A Victoria’s Secret catalog? Brian is a little too excited about this possibility. But if Brian were getting a new male appendage, I would TOTALLY want to shop at the penis store. So it’s all fair.

THREE POSITIVES:

1- Can’t touch this tumor – it feels like it’s no longer there.

2- I’m getting Barbie boobs.

3- Another confirmation that chemo is working makes all the trauma of it worth it.