THE Day

Yesterday might just ring in as the wildest day in history for me. I showed up at my call time at Comix a little early at 8:45. Finished me soy latte and started the non-stop day. Hair, make up, Spanx, more hair, make up on my face, make up on my legs. Big retro broach, sherbet boatneck sweater, hot pink skirt and leopard skin heels to the sky. Looking like Joan, I was fully ready for my Mad Men audition.

When Caroline walked in, I was on stage barefoot as the photographer and her many assistants worked on getting the lighting right. “Wait just a minute,” Caroline said looking at me. Uh oh. She grabbed my arm and pulled me back stage for a crash course in standing up straight! I slouch. A lot. “The voice comes from down here and straight out,” she said, pushing my shoulders back. Plus hey, look at that, I might have picked up a cup size.

As Caroline got her make up, more make up, hair and more hair, we compared notes. It’s a wonder we never ran into each other in Atlanta. We both did stand up at the same clubs at the same time. We even know the same club managers. We talked babies – she’s got major baby love right now with her new cherub baby girl. My “babies” are five and seven and I’ve still got mommy crush. Anyway, we went on stage together and stop-started my set a bunch of times while they shot. My biggest challenge was not falling off the stage in these full-on COUGAR heels they put me in. Caroline caught me a few times.

The best part was sitting down with her and going through every single joke. I learned more from her in five hours than maybe all of my comedy experience combined. Plus, she’s a punchline machine. Most importantly, comedy is about being yourself and owning the audience. YOU are in control. For women, that’s especially difficult because we’re not programmed like that. We’re programmed to ask for permission. Well, that’s gotta stop, ladies! When I get back, I’ll share my new tips with you.

For the internet record, I want to say thank you, Caroline Rhea for being so gracious, patient and helpful to me! Thank you, Jonny because I just loved working with you. Thank you, Rory Evans for hanging on the shoot longer than expected when you’ve got a cherub waiting at home. Thank you, Patti Greco for picking me. Thank you, Daisy Cajas for your detail wrangling and support. Thank you, MORE Magazine for making something a reality that seemed so far-fetched, I can’t even say it was a dream come true. It was better than that. Thanks to my family and friends for sending me off with cheers, hugs and much love. Can’t wait to see you guys. And yes, I am bringing presents.

But wait! There’s more. So I hoofed it back to my friend’s apartment. On my way, I caught a site of me with glamour make up on and jeans. I looked like a giraffe in drag who just got off working in a children’s show. A sea of make up flowed when I showered and converted to my upright and locked position. Then, I bolted to the Mamapalooza radio show down in Tribeca. Again, I walked, mostly because I’m trying to conserve money. Giant wooden door. Small studio. Me, Joy and comedy legend Nancy Lombardo doing radio show. Meanwhile I grew hungrier and hungrier. By the time we got to dinner, I devoured a shrimp and sausage penne mound with a creamy pink sauce.