It’s Tuesday. Check-in day for Brian and me. We went to Compote, a sunny little cafe where I got poached egg on kale and crispy hash browns. I’m too tired to make fresh food like that, but boy do I want it. He’s anxious for me to come all the way out of this. Me too. I’m doing everything I can, but I simply cannot take one extra appointment, philosophy, tincture or miracle therapy. It’s too overwhelming. After launching into action mode and staying in survival mode this long, I wonder – how can we process what’s happened as a family? Do we build a paper dragon and set it on fire in the Willamette? Explode something? Toss all cancer-related brochures in a bonfire?
This situation has imprinted each one of us. How do we honor that and move on? I want to make sure the kids and Brian move forward with something tangible they can use. This can’t be an abyss of doom. I want Steven to continue to be compassionate without losing out on being a kid. I want Livvie to move on fearlessly, unafraid to give everyone little handmade gifts straight from her heart. I want Brian to be able to look forward more than over his shoulder. For Xena, I want her to stop feeling like she has to plop her furry body on me every single second and can go outside and be a dog. For me, I want to turn this experience into laughter and healing for other people. A lot of it has been pretty funny. Although right now, I’m not feeling funny at all. Just dizzy and weak.
1- Laura, our dry cleaner on Hawthorne, came out to the car to visit me. She’s now a grandma with two baby twin girls! She charged me up with: “You are so strong and you have wonderful man here! You’ll be alright!” I saw a glimmer of a tear in her eye. I can’t wait to go back in there at full strength to talk to her like I used to.
2- I’m obsessed with fresh fruit and vegetables from the Mediterranean-style diet. That can’t be a bad thing.
3- I got a request to speak at an event for cancer survivors. THAT’S the future I want!
BONUS – Just overheard from the kitchen: “Do girls need bikinis? Really?”