Looking past check in

It’s Tuesday. Check-in day for Brian and me. We went to Compote, a sunny little cafe where I got poached egg on kale and crispy hash browns. I’m too tired to make fresh food like that, but boy do I want it. He’s anxious for me to come all the way out of this. Me too. I’m doing everything I can, but I simply cannot take one extra appointment, philosophy, tincture or miracle therapy. It’s too overwhelming. After launching into action mode and staying in survival mode this long, I wonder – how can we process what’s happened as a family? Do we build a paper dragon and set it on fire in the Willamette? Explode something? Toss all cancer-related brochures in a bonfire? 

This situation has imprinted each one of us. How do we honor that and move on? I want to make sure the kids and Brian move forward with something tangible they can use. This can’t be an abyss of doom. I want Steven to continue to be compassionate without losing out on being a kid. I want Livvie to move on fearlessly, unafraid to give everyone little handmade gifts straight from her heart. I want Brian to be able to look forward more than over his shoulder. For Xena, I want her to stop feeling like she has to plop her furry body on me every single second and can go outside and be a dog. For me, I want to turn this experience into laughter and healing for other people. A lot of it has been pretty funny. Although right now, I’m not feeling funny at all. Just dizzy and weak.


1- Laura, our dry cleaner on Hawthorne, came out to the car to visit me. She’s now a grandma with two baby twin girls! She charged me up with: “You are so strong and you have wonderful man here! You’ll be alright!” I saw a glimmer of a tear in her eye. I can’t wait to go back in there at full strength to talk to her like I used to. 

2- I’m obsessed with fresh fruit and vegetables from the Mediterranean-style diet. That can’t be a bad thing.

3- I got a request to speak at an event for cancer survivors. THAT’S the future I want! 

BONUS – Just overheard from the kitchen: “Do girls need bikinis? Really?”

3 Replies to “Looking past check in”

  1. You MUST speak at events and bring all that insight and humor to others. You MUST also write a book! All your journal entries alone are enough to bring laughter, tears, and smiles to many.

    You got this girl!

    Jen Cisneros

  2. Jacki: when you and your family feel weak, that is when you let your army of friends take over. We are all here for you, let us be the strong ones!

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