It’s Tuesday. Check-in day for Brian and me. We went to Compote, a sunny little cafe where I got poached egg on kale and crispy hash browns. I’m too tired to make fresh food like that, but boy do I want it. He’s anxious for me to come all the way out of this. Me too. I’m doing everything I can, but I simply cannot take one extra appointment, philosophy, tincture or miracle therapy. It’s too overwhelming. After launching into action mode and staying in survival mode this long, I wonder – how can we process what’s happened as a family? Do we build a paper dragon and set it on fire in the Willamette? Explode something? Toss all cancer-related brochures in a bonfire?
This situation has imprinted each one of us. How do we honor that and move on? I want to make sure the kids and Brian move forward with something tangible they can use. This can’t be an abyss of doom. I want Steven to continue to be compassionate without losing out on being a kid. I want Livvie to move on fearlessly, unafraid to give everyone little handmade gifts straight from her heart. I want Brian to be able to look forward more than over his shoulder. For Xena, I want her to stop feeling like she has to plop her furry body on me every single second and can go outside and be a dog. For me, I want to turn this experience into laughter and healing for other people. A lot of it has been pretty funny. Although right now, I’m not feeling funny at all. Just dizzy and weak.
THREE POSITIVES:
1- Laura, our dry cleaner on Hawthorne, came out to the car to visit me. She’s now a grandma with two baby twin girls! She charged me up with: “You are so strong and you have wonderful man here! You’ll be alright!” I saw a glimmer of a tear in her eye. I can’t wait to go back in there at full strength to talk to her like I used to.
2- I’m obsessed with fresh fruit and vegetables from the Mediterranean-style diet. That can’t be a bad thing.
3- I got a request to speak at an event for cancer survivors. THAT’S the future I want!
BONUS – Just overheard from the kitchen: “Do girls need bikinis? Really?”
jacki kane 
congrats on your speaking event!!!!
big hugs, Katie
You MUST speak at events and bring all that insight and humor to others. You MUST also write a book! All your journal entries alone are enough to bring laughter, tears, and smiles to many.
You got this girl!
Jen Cisneros
Jacki: when you and your family feel weak, that is when you let your army of friends take over. We are all here for you, let us be the strong ones!