Whoa, it really has been five days since I posted. Round 4 of chemo has seriously wounded me this time. At 3 am one day, I woke up freezing cold and shaking uncontrollably. Then, I got super sick, and Brian had to get up and help me. I felt so bad about that. You don’t want your spouse having to clean up after your sick self. My ears ring almost constantly. I feel nauseated all of the time. I get headaches in a flash. And, I get mentally overwhelmed quicker than a toddler. With all the talk about everyone’s “journey” and staying positive, I almost feel like I’m not allowed to acknowledge how much this SUCKS. But it does suck. I’d like to see the Successories version of cancer: EVEN WHEN YOU’RE POSITIVE LIFE CAN STILL SUCK, SUCKAH! People have told me “don’t succumb to it” and “stay strong.” It’s getting harder for both Brian and me to keep that going. Is it a position of strength to acknowledge that my situation sucks, but it still is nowhere near as bad as some people’s?
THREE POSITIVES DESPITE SUCKING:
1- We got a mystery drop off of beautiful flowers and banana bread. Thank you, mystery person!
2- Loved seeing Silver Linings Playbook with Maria.
3- Steven said: “This cancer thing is going quicker than I thought.” Glad he thinks so!
jacki kane 
Jacki, Dear,
The golden flowers are exquisite, as exquisite as you are in that beautiful person you are. Ed and I are coming to Portland in March, will be there for 6 weeks. Every day I pray for you and your family. You have to go through this. Your angels are with you and your guides. And I’m floating around you, too.
I have been working every day to find chemo rooms willing to take my art. Just now tonight I received an email from a beautiful person from Sinai Hospital in Milwaukee, WI, where my 3 children were born, asking if she could help. So beautiful. Pray to put my art in those tough places. You started it all.
Ed and I love you,
Jeanine
You are living your own experience and you’re allowed to say it SUCKS sometimes. Just know that so many people are thinking about you and sending you positive thoughts even when you need a break and just have to be sick for a little while.
Whew, you finally said what we mere mortals have been thinking all along: THIS ENTIRE ORDEAL SUCKS AND WE HATE IT FOR YOU! Its ok to be happy and/or sad, positive and/or negative, that makes you human. Stay strong or pissed or elated or depressed. We are rolling with you no matter what.
Hi Jacki, there is NOTHING wrong to admitting that you are going through a very, very suckie time. NOTHING. It is a suckie time for you and your family. Yes, you can admit that and have positives everyday. I do plan on getting over to see you are get to a movie as soon as I am able to drive again. I ‘ll keep you posted. Until then, let me know if Barrett (he’s back in town. Whoopie!) or I can do anything for you. Much love to you.
Ret
I believe it is strong to say This is the Suckiest Thing in SuckTown! It’s Strong to have many PPM Days (Pity Poor Me Days). To fight against your emotions just wears you out faster. All of your feelings are valid. So there.
PS When I was a vomit machine in the night recently, my husband quietly slipped downstairs to sleep on the couch. Bless his heart.
Just found your blog through the Young Survivors Portland group…I just finished my 5 months of chemo on Dec 20th….and…THIS. This post sums it up for me. I tried being negative one day during my chemo because I was feeling really low, my kid was screaming his head off for no good reason, the cat peed outside the litter box, etc etc, and all my friends jumped on me nearly immediately (on Facebook) for being “negative” – WHAT? I ended up just deleting the post completely. I don’t hold it against them, but it was pretty annoying. But…they’ve never gone through it, so they just don’t know. I CAN tell you this though – it will get better almost immediately after the chemo ends; energy comes back, and thanks to chemo brain, you will hardly be able to remember the bad days! You are strong 🙂
Wow, Dusty. Congrats on making it through 5 months. I thought I’d get the same reaction when I posted that and was so moved by what people wrote. Thank you so so much for telling me the chemo effects fade fast after the last one. I am absolutely dreading the last two. Really glad you commented!
Your enduring strength comes from being where you are and saying what is true about it. Being truthful in a difficult situation and sharing that truth with others is it’s own form of positive energy. You Rock!